Press Pause and Trigger Joy

Lavon/ January 30, 2021/ Wellness/ 2 comments

Throughout a childhood spent in a feisty, fiery family swayed by uncertainty about everything that mattered, the emotional flak of routine tantrums, severed relationships, and worshipful clinging to people or ideas struck at random. Friends insist the story of that part of my life would make a good book. They say I’ve turned out so much better than my circumstances predicted.

I do a lot to protect my mental health. But, sometimes, I catch myself so gun-shy of chaos that I blurt nastiness or nag, pushing people away or smothering their will. At those times, I’ve learned to employ mindful pauses to relax my control so I can catch the joy triggers.

Are You Taking Yourself Too Seriously?

You are very important. I, too, have a day job which is very challenging, in public service, with the potential for great emotional reward. At times, I have let my goals slip ahead of the people I’m trying to help. Perhaps I’ve not taken good enough care of myself, or I might have taken myself too seriously. You ever hear someone say a brief event ruined their day? Maybe their reaction to it did. Some people anticipate stress to the point it sickens them and poisons their attitude. Sunday night dreads, anyone? That has all been me. Not anymore. Now, I rely on a habit of pausing in a moment of intense emotion to really see the holiness or hilarity in the human in front of me, to remember what I am grateful for. I get a soft blush of contentment throughout the day.

At my best, when a strong feeling hits me, I note my physical reactions, the clenched throat, burning chest, or butterfly stomach, and I wait a breath to gain insight into whatever fear or clinging has flared. I’d rather respond from my soul than feed my ego or hurt someone. And given any opportunity, I’d rather see the beauty and laugh. Wouldn’t you? A short pause can help here.

Emotions are signals that you shouldn’t ignore, but they shouldn’t hold the strings either, jerking you around without purpose. When a strong emotion hits, when my temper flares or I’m caught up in playing someone’s hero, I either choose consciously or unconsciously what happens next. Once I act, I have made my choice. Responding to emotions consciously is a skill that you can’t gain passively. It has to be developed. Like a superpower. 

Don’t hold your breath

The short pause differs from the long pause in both how we can use it and the depth of its effect. Regularly practicing mindfulness meditation helps me employ the short pause before reacting. Diaphragmatic breathing (belly breathing) enhances my practice and has tons of benefits. When I need to reset, I focus on my breath or any small thing for a few seconds, note the physical signals of emotion in myself, and release tension. It may not be appropriate to be in your feelings at that moment, but you can note your feelings and compartmentalize them in order to devote your full attention to those to whom you’ve given your time.

When you serve others, they deserve your full presence. Imagine someone decompensating and needing your help. They need you not to be distracted by the vapors of your personal strife and temptations. Your service of others will spark joy in you if you’re treating it like the honor it is, if you’re taking in the beauty of others’ courage or vulnerability. Remember, this too will pass. Appreciate it while you’re in it.

Though you really must take time daily for processing your emotions, the mind carries so much baggage into a moment, it’s good to put the load down when it isn’t helpful. Doing so frees you to take in all that is going on in the present moment.  Pausing for as short as a couple of breaths or as long as 90 seconds in an intense emotional moment changes everything about what might happen next.

Notice What Serves You

What does the moment require? Was a boundary crossed; are there unmet needs; is someone in real danger? Should I try to lighten the tension?

The skill of responding intentionally rather than reacting allows me to apply or ignore my values and priorities. Owning my conscious choices increases my confidence in future choices, making it a little less likely that I trip into poisonous habits and self-questioning. Remember, my childhood gifted me with strong instincts for surviving, but I work to gain instincts for thriving. I stumble. Hopefully, I laugh at myself. It’s all water over the rocks. Conscious choices also make it easier to acknowledge my mistakes without the shame spiral, so I can learn the lesson or identify when something deeper needs to change.

Acting consciously has made me more trustworthy. What I do isn’t shallow and reactionary, but comes from who I mean to be. I respond with integrity and intention, and unconscious fears and desires don’t drive me like autopilot. In challenging situations, I am armed with clarity, calm, and a sense of humor. All it costs me is a dribble of time, a moment of catching the sound of the breeze, a brief pause. 

Want to learn more about serving in mindfulness? Check out the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center and Pause First Academy for first responders. I also enjoy the apps 10% Happier and Headspace which have offered free memberships to teachers and first responders during the COVID-19 pandemic.

How do you trigger joy in an intensely emotional moment?